(In These Times, May 15, 1995)
Anyone remember Secular Humanism? It used to be the scourge of America-- at least, if you asked Jerry Falwell, Pat Robertson, or their legions of holy reformers about it. They'd describe Secular Humanism as a coterie of atheist evildoers, Communists, and university professors, singlehandedly responsible for poverty, feminism, welfare, sex'n'violence, teenage pregnancies, homosexuality, rock music, and abortion. It was God's version of SPECTRE, with only Jesus Bond 007 standing between America and ruin.
That was ten years ago. Today, Congress is run by the Christian Coalition's pitbulls. Pat Robertson, once known for his hurricane-steering and videotape-delayed faith healing powers, is a major power broker in the Republican Party. And the war to prevent abortion has spawned a manual titled "Ninety-Nine Ways to Stop Abortion," circulated samizdat since 1992, outlines dozens of hilarious pro-zygote pranks. Some are strictly frat-boy level, like putting Krazy Glue in the clinics' door locks; the more Khomeiniesque suggestions include encouraging the terminally-ill to use those cheaper lives of theirs for the Greator Good, by firebombing clinics in their remaining days. "Maybe the Spirit of God has been hounding you to take certain actions on behalf of his children, but you have not obeyed," the manual says. "Here's your last chance."
So between the evangelical rank-and-file anticipating the Apocalypse, and heavily armed citizen's militias working overtime to actually bring it about by blowing up government buildings, these have not been the Scourge of America's salad days. So we might take a moment to ask ourselves: what are the Secular Humanists up to these days? How are they responding to these new, terrifying threats?
Free Inquiry, published by the Council for Democratic and Secular Humanism in Buffalo, New York, is offering what they must think is a pretty hot premium to their new subscribers. A hundred-page book, inventively titled Fighting Back! A Manual for Free Thinkers, purports to "turn the tide for free-thinking individuals who are tired of the abuses and indignities hurled at them." "It's one thing to read philosophical essays on Secular Humanism," the ad copy reads, "and quite another to react one-on-one, in-person to people or situations aimed at taking away your liberties and rights guaranteed by the U.S. Constitution." Each chapter is devoted to an event that, I guess, the average Secular Humanist regards as an assault on his or her rights as a citizen.
Such as someone saying "'God Bless You' When You Sneeze." This infringement of your Constitutional rights can now be repelled, simply by consulting Chapter One. Chapter Two ventures into trickier territory: "Answering the Question, 'What Happens When You Die?'" One of the longer chapters (6 pages) addresses "People who say 'Sex is Dirty,'" and the there's that intrusive, un-American question of "Did You Have a Merry Christmas?" taking up Chapter Three.
Well, did you?
The life of a secular humanist, as outlined by the trials and tribulations described in Fighting Back, must be one of continual, unendurable persecution. Those "Invitations to Weddings and Other Functions that Include Religious Ceremonies," must be excruciating. "Prayers at Public School Graduations and Sporting Events" are pounded into their skulls like sledgehammers. Once a year, there's the dreaded "Structured Christmas/Chanukah Gift Giving at Work." And I'll bet Jacobo Timerman never had to face something as horrific as "Pressure at Work to Support Religious Charities" in his numberless cell.
Free Inquirywants to appeal to people it characterizes as "free-thinking individuals." (Contributors include entertainer "Steven Allen" and "The Late Isaac Asimov"-- who, no doubt, is the author of the "What happens when you die?" chapter.) The "Fighting Back" promotion seems a little misguided, in that it's clearly directed at people who haven't free-thought their way to handling these incidents on their own. You'd figure that the people who once supplied The 700 Club with a regular dose of terror would be able to handle everyday social intercourse.
Seventy years ago, when John Dewey and Bertrand Russell and Clarence Darrow were in their primes, it was an heroic stance to reject the shallow gods of the day. Science and Reason still held a lot of promise. But the years between 1925 and 1995 have demonstrated that what has been offered to us as Reason-- the cost-effectiveness of dumping toxic wastes, eugenics, the "rational" need to stockpile nuclear weapons, and so much more-- isn't. Humanists are still using catch phrases and buzzwords that have been used by con men in the past.
I guess there will always be people who, after reading Ayn Rand or watching Inherit the Wind, will seize upon religion-debunking as the best proof of their own cleverness. So, instead of lengthy coverage of things like Pat Robertson's telethons for the contras, or born-again dictator Rios Montt's reign of terror in Guatemala, the humanists would dwell on whether Jesus was real and what kind of epilepsy the apostle Paul had. They're always looking for the "magic bullet," the question that will get a Fundamentalist to see the flaws in his life's beliefs, reject his creed, and convert him to a New Life. Granted, it's a life where he needs a guidebook to handle a stranger's casual "God Bless you," but don't we all need help in these trouble times?
So here's some help for any troubled Secular Humanists out there. An invitation to a wedding? Fine: bring a present, say "Mazeltov!" when the glass breaks, and try not to throw up on the bridesmaids. The dinner guest wants to say grace? Let him. The kid asks about religious holidays? Explain them to him. Someone says "God Bless you?" Say "Thanks." How hard could it be?
Hell, you could even have fun with assaults on your freedom. Someone says "Sex is Dirty?" Reply, "That's why God gave us bathhouses." Missionaries ring the doorbell? Tell'em you're busy screwing a German Shepherd. Answer the door in bondage gear. Witness to them about the Greys, your abduction experiences, the impending invasion from Zeta Reticuli, and urge them to wrap their heads in green tinfoil before it's Too Late. C'mon, free-thinkers, be creative.
One of the questions they toss in is "If you don't believe in God, and don't fear going to Hell, what keeps you from indulging in plunder, rape, and murder?" Is this really such a tough question? Reply "Nothing. It just got to be routine."
Oh, there is one short chapter, towards the end, titled "You or a Loved One Physically Blocked from Entering an Abortion Clinic." It's three pages long-- about half as long as the chapters on "Sex is Dirty" and the plunder-rape-murder question. I hope it at least mentions bulletproof vests.
A few years later, I published an article in Free Inquiry, which shows that at least one of us can't stay mad forever. By that time, the magazine had improved a lot, by attracting such talents as Katha Pollitt, Wendy Kaminer, Peter Singer and Christopher Hitchens as regular columnists. I felt a little jealous over this, because when I was at The Humanist in the early 1990s, we'd wanted to ask Pollitt and Hitchens to join the editorial board.
The observation about the "magic bullet" question isn't mine, exactly. Credit for that should go to David Alexander, former Humanist editor and biographer of Gene Roddenberry.
In case you're wondering, I am an atheist.
Copyright 2000-6 Brian Siano
(unless otherwise noted)